So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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