He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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