Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
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