I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
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I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
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Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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