we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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