Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
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It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
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You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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