did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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