Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
