i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
