My room smells like vodka and shame
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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