At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
