oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
operation harelip BJ is a go
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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