i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
