Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
