I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
