You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
