Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
