Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
