someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
