oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
