I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
