dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
