god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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