the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
