Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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