you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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