Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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