It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
