dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
