So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
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