My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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