Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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