i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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