What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
