Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
