So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
