Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Randomize
