fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
