Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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