I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
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If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
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she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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