I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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