I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
