Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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