Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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