In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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