I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
