Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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