Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
