New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
