I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
