Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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