Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
