I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
