I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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