Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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