last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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