The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
