i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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