if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
