woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
